When I was a kid, I used to think that children are born right after two people get married. In childhood, marriages were always meant to be between men and women who were comfortable to act according to the norms of their gender they were assigned biologically, also they were exclusively attracted to their opposite sex.
A few years down the lane, when I grew up a little and made friends with books. I read about different sexualities and learnt that there are people who don’t only fall for their opposite sex. I felt disgusted at first (internalised homophobia) and I’m so ashamed of that till now. That’s what toxic society does to you. They make every nonsensical thing look normal and every natural thing a taboo. No wonder why sex is still a hush-hush topic to discuss in our household, as if our parents photosynthesised us out of them.
I was afraid to admit that I can harmlessly get attracted to a gender which is specifically not male. I’d think that people would question my sexuality or call me names. I have been called “lesbian” innumerous times just because I never had a boyfriend, though, there is nothing wrong to be lesbian but using that term as a form of mocking is unacceptable. I was in all girls’ school. Most of them were dating at that time. They had shared their “first kiss” and more with other guys, perhaps. I never had an inclination to be in a relationship with anyone. I have had my own fare share of crushes here and there, but I never paid too much attention to them. I didn’t know what to do with it. I never felt an urge to make my “crushes” become something else. My friends would push me to date guys and I’d just turn their offer down with a smile.
I grew up a little more. I got into a bachelor’s course in a new city, away from my family. I met a few people who were not just cis gender or heterosexual. They made me feel like, for the first time, whatever I feel is “normal.” I started watching documentaries/series/movies on different sexual orientations & gender identifications. I read several books as well on them.
Back in 2016, I discovered the word “demisexual”. I related my entire struggle of coming to terms with my sexual orientation around its definition. Demisexuaity is not when you don’t want to have sex because you were heart broken in the past and scared or you’re too religious and don’t want to engage in pre marital sex or you have trust issues or there is something which prohibits you from losing your virginity. It is when you don’t find sexual attraction unless you have build a strong, unbreakable spiritual connection with your partner and your sexual arousal isn’t as frequent as other people. When you fall under the spectrum of asexuality, it doesn’t mean you’re incapable of building a healthy relationship with your partner. Relationships are not built on the foundation of sexual pleasure. I don’t get sexually attracted to people, but I do get platonic/romantic and sensual attraction towards them. I do want to be held, cuddled and peppered with soft kisses. I just don’t want to have any sexual intercourse. If I ever did, trust me, I literally and figuratively gave you everything I had in me.
I’m androphylic, means I get attracted to men and masculinity (not toxic masculinity). Doesn’t matter if you were born male/straight or not. You just need to be a “man” in your head. Also, I hate labels because I find them extremely confusing (personal opinion). I wish just like how other sexualities are celebrated in literature & arts, the same way asexual spectrum was celebrated too. There is a lack of their true representation and people don’t find asexuality to be normal because “how can someone not want to have sex, right?” Well, there are people who don’t. I wish someday, we will be shown and treated with normalcy and respect without being judged for our lack of enthusiasm towards sexual attraction.