Coming to terms.

When I was a kid, I used to think that children are born right after two people get married. In childhood, marriages were always meant to be between men and women who were comfortable to act according to the norms of their gender they were assigned biologically, also they were exclusively attracted to their opposite sex.

A few years down the lane, when I grew up a little and made friends with books. I read about different sexualities and learnt that there are people who don’t only fall for their opposite sex. I felt disgusted at first (internalised homophobia) and I’m so ashamed of that till now. That’s what toxic society does to you. They make every nonsensical thing look normal and every natural thing a taboo. No wonder why sex is still a hush-hush topic to discuss in our household, as if our parents photosynthesised us out of them.

I was afraid to admit that I can harmlessly get attracted to a gender which is specifically not male. I’d think that people would question my sexuality or call me names. I have been called “lesbian” innumerous times just because I never had a boyfriend, though, there is nothing wrong to be lesbian but using that term as a form of mocking is unacceptable. I was in all girls’ school. Most of them were dating at that time. They had shared their “first kiss” and more with other guys, perhaps. I never had an inclination to be in a relationship with anyone. I have had my own fare share of crushes here and there, but I never paid too much attention to them. I didn’t know what to do with it. I never felt an urge to make my “crushes” become something else. My friends would push me to date guys and I’d just turn their offer down with a smile.

I grew up a little more. I got into a bachelor’s course in a new city, away from my family. I met a few people who were not just cis gender or heterosexual. They made me feel like, for the first time, whatever I feel is “normal.” I started watching documentaries/series/movies on different sexual orientations & gender identifications. I read several books as well on them.

Back in 2016, I discovered the word “demisexual”. I related my entire struggle of coming to terms with my sexual orientation around its definition. Demisexuaity is not when you don’t want to have sex because you were heart broken in the past and scared or you’re too religious and don’t want to engage in pre marital sex or you have trust issues or there is something which prohibits you from losing your virginity. It is when you don’t find sexual attraction unless you have build a strong, unbreakable spiritual connection with your partner and your sexual arousal isn’t as frequent as other people. When you fall under the spectrum of asexuality, it doesn’t mean you’re incapable of building a healthy relationship with your partner. Relationships are not built on the foundation of sexual pleasure. I don’t get sexually attracted to people, but I do get platonic/romantic and sensual attraction towards them. I do want to be held, cuddled and peppered with soft kisses. I just don’t want to have any sexual intercourse. If I ever did, trust me, I literally and figuratively gave you everything I had in me.

I’m androphylic, means I get attracted to men and masculinity (not toxic masculinity). Doesn’t matter if you were born male/straight or not. You just need to be a “man” in your head. Also, I hate labels because I find them extremely confusing (personal opinion). I wish just like how other sexualities are celebrated in literature & arts, the same way asexual spectrum was celebrated too. There is a lack of their true representation and people don’t find asexuality to be normal because “how can someone not want to have sex, right?” Well, there are people who don’t. I wish someday, we will be shown and treated with normalcy and respect without being judged for our lack of enthusiasm towards sexual attraction.

You, only you.

“You’re so beautiful”, you said. I couldn’t believe my ears for a second. For almost an eternity, I kept shoving my worth deep down the dust of my insecurities until one day you came along. You changed everything. Every fibre in my body lights up with the tender touch of your smooth fingers against my skin. I get goosebumps across my body. Every tiny little cell in my body ache for your warmth. Your arms are my safe haven. You feel like a home I’ve always imagined of having in my dreams. I had cried myself to sleep for the comfort I now receive from you when you are here with me. I can’t tell you what you did to me. You made me calm on the days when I felt my brain is losing its balance. You held me tight and whispered sweet nothing to soothe the pain rising in my nerves. You were the missing puzzle in my life. You saw me in my worst and learnt about my past. You never judged me and I was so scared to lose you like I have lost everyone in my life one by one. You promised me that you will stay as long as we want to be with each other. You were the blessing heaven has brought down for me on earth. You made me smile through my tears. You washed away all the fears I had of the unknown with your unconditional love. You healed a part of me which I never thought could ever stop hurting, let alone be healed. You chose me out of everyone out there. You saw me when I was invisible even to my own soul. Now, I just want to love you till my heart stops beating.

Everything is attractive about you.

“I’m not at all attractive. There is nothing in me that I could point out & say this is special about me. I’m just ordinary & not good enough”, you murmured to yourself looking into the mirror.

You think you’re not attractive. You think that you’re ordinary. You think that you’re not good enough. Only if I had the say in this. I’d tell you how good you look & everything about you is attractive because it’s YOU. You think I didn’t notice you the first time I saw you sitting in the corner at a party with your friends & laughing your guts out like nobody’s watching. You didn’t give a damn about the world. You were having fun & that’s what mattered to you at that moment. I never saw someone being comfortably themselves than you. You think I never wondered to get a chance to strike a conversation with you. You talk so much & I could listen to you all day & night. Your voice is so calm & endearing. I love the way you squeal to emphasize on the topic you have the most interest in to discuss. The sparkle in your eyes when you talk about something which you think is important for people to know. The sadness in your tone when you tell me about the bad things in life. I swear, I’d just want to hide you in my arms to protect a soul like you from any harm. You have a heart of pure gold. You care for everyone around you, even if they can’t return you the favour. You stay there for people when they need you. You always flash your big cute grin at people everytime your eyes meet them. You make people feel special about themselves. You spread love wherever you go & I just look at you like a dumbly awestruck idiot. How I wish I could you tell you these things till you believe me for my words, once.

Self love, eh?!

“Love begins the moment you fall in love with yourself.”

That’s the quote people suggest you to grasp the moment you loath in self pity or self hatred. They can’t come up with any better line. But, what they forget it isn’t that easy to establish such strong relationship with yourself. It takes hell a lot of efforts & unlearning to process your mind into the thought of self love. It takes for you to undress your soul inch by inch & dig into deep to scatter all the poison inside you infront of your eyes to release it one by one. It hurts. It stings so bad.

Self love doesn’t happen overnight or just by exercising some meditation or yoga therapy. It’s easy said than done. It also doesn’t work by reading multiple quotes or books. You will definitely get an idea of it, but won’t be a help until you practice it everyday. It takes you to get up every morning, look at your reflection in the mirror without pointing out the things you dislike about yourself. It takes for you to go to bed every night without overthinking about the day & how you could have suppressed your emotions the other day. When you just want to be less or more than anything you are presently because you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin.

I always thought am not good enough for anything or anyone. I always thought I should be treated with less importance because that’s what world do to you when they constantly taunt you for being the real you. They always find something wrong in you & blame you for everything. I always tried to fit in instead of standing out because I was afraid of rejection. My anxiety & abandonment issues added the fuel to my insecurities & made them visible. I always felt like am the worst person on planet & I don’t deserve love. Whoever shows love to me is doing it out of obligation. I always felt small and a burden to people around me.

Self love begins the moment you realise that there are people who love you for every tiny bit of being the complete you. They love you because they chose you & be there for you when need them. When they always show up for your support & accept you with all your quirks & flaws. They do it without complaints or regrets. Self love happens when you see yourself through their eyes & hear the words they choose to describe you to someone who doesn’t know you. Self love happens only when you find out that there are people who will sacrifice anything in a heartbeat to be with you. Self love happens when you see their face lights up with a bright smile the moment you walk in the door & they run to embrace you in their arms like you meant a world to them. Self love comes from the people who make you feel loved every single second of the day.

Self love isn’t easy, but it’s worth the hardship you go through to achieve it.

I like me better when I’m with you.

Caption: ’cause I love this picture!

Okay, so let’s begin writing ’bout my adoration for this girl named, Keerthi. She calls me “Khan”, although I don’t like being called anything beside my first name. I don’t mind her, though.

I met you in the first year of our under graduate. You were quietly smiling at me when I saw you for the first time. I didn’t know then we would mean so much to each other by the end of college. We are complete opposite. Ofcourse. I can talk for hours at stretch & you rather take a nap than talking rubbish. I gossip with other friends of ours & you spend your time reading or watching something on your phone. We don’t even speak the same mother tongue. We don’t usually watch the same kind of movies or TV/Web series. We don’t often listen to the same type of music. We don’t read the same books as well. We are indeed poles apart. But, we both collided somehow in this universe with our differences. I must mention that we are similar at core. The best part about us is we both genuinely love sleeping till late hours.

You have always been there for me, no matter what happens between us or where we are emotionally at the moment. From a person who wouldn’t like talking on phone much to the person who asks me to call her whenever I feel like talking to her. That’s a change for better (can I squeal a YES?!). Gosh, I have sobbed so many times on phone & you have listened to it patiently without uttering a single word. I remember the day I got to know about my mother’s demise, you sent me a text in the evening with an emoji to comfort me. I asked you to not send me emojis & you replied with “okay, no emoji”. I swear, it brought a smile on my red swollen face from all the crying. Honestly, my mumma would be so happy to know a soul like you.

The times when my disorder takes over my senses & I act eccentric, you never condemn me. My insecurities, vulnerabilities, & irrationality get visible; still you say that nothing would change your perception about me in your head. You never judged me for my choices or by my past. You never pitied me over my bad childhood or dysfunctional family. You loved me regardless of everything. You made me smile through your parade of silly memes spamming my WhatsApp. You never for once told me that I lack something in me or I should be anything less or more than what I am. You completely accepted me with all my quirks & flaws, & tried to understand my reasons. You have made me a better person in so many ways that I can’t express it into words. Words will definitely fall short for my admiration for you. You make me so happy & you have no idea about that.

I always tell you that you are the “female version of my ideal man”, & that’s true. Who wouldn’t want those amazing qualities to be present in their soulmates? You are so kind, sensitive, forgiving, understanding, & a beautiful person inside out. You care for people & be so open minded with everything you say or do. You say that you’re not that good of a person, but I say that everyone has their dark side to them & it’s upto us how we handle it. You handle them well. I can write an entire book on you & still won’t be satisfied with it because nothing I’d write could describe what I feel for you. I just want you to stay with me forever & if forever is a shout into the oblivion then be my oblivious partner in crime.

PS: we need to meet outside soon & click some good pictures. Okay? I’ll come to your house to kick your ass if you cancel on us again. Okay, bye!